This is the short version of why I hate Nakumatt and Kenya Commercial Bank Bank Group.  For the long emotional version click here.

Here are my complaints for the Nakumatt Global Card. The worst loyalty card ever. It was hosted by Nakumatt and Kenya Commercial Bank Bank Group (yes they repeat the bank, to show you how redundant they are) .

They only allow Safaricom Numbers

There has never been a banking system as fake as this one. After months of begging for my password, they finally told me they could not send it because my number was not a Safaricom number. The system rejects prefixes from Airtel numbers like mine that were ported from Yu. I could have really appreciated this message during sign up. Spending money without knowing how much is as dangerous as asking your father to get you water from the kitchen.

 THEIR. CUSTOMER. CARE. IS. FUCKING. SHIT

Oh my secular GOD! These guys do not even try. Six months of back and forth. Nakumatt tells me to talk to KCB who tell me to talk to Nakumatt who tell me they talked to KCB who say ‘umm no‘ then they all tell me to wait for 24 hours for ‘feedbacks’ which never come. Then I have to start the whole process all over again. For 6 freaking months. I felt really stranded seeing as all my money was with them. I am not gonna lie, I spend some nights hungry because I could not use this shit plastic. You know how awkward it is not to eat when you are not in your country. People were out there asking if I was allergic to food since I am Kenyan. They have seen the charity posters guys. They now think the hunger in Kenya has made us allergic to food.

 Small technical difficulties with the system

If you contact customer care about an error they act really shocked that their awesome system is down and then tell you how they are actually having small technical difficulties that have been going on just for the last two hours. They will tell you to wait for a while as they fix it. This is what they will tell you next time you call them, whether it’s after an hour or 6 months. The Nakumatt Global Card system is the biggest small technical difficulty in the world.


The system has never worked as it was meant to ever since the beginning. Here is the first review I wished I had seen before getting this card. Go straight to the comments, ignore the ‘sponsored’ content. The comments are where the truth is.

All you need to know about the Nakumatt Global Card

Double Billing

When you swipe this card and it gives an error. I’d urge you to take a deep breath before trying again. Try and remember what balance is left. Try to see if what you are buying is worth twice what it costs. Then proceed if you answer both in the affirmative. When you swipe again, it may work, but because you have no system of immediately knowing your balance, it will take some snooping later on to discover that the first swipe was not an error, money was deducted. You just got double billed. Now call customer care and wait for them to tell you the system is currently not working.

Multi currencies? What are those?

The multi currency claim is false. You would have to use the online portal to activate it and the online portal does not work.

The portal works only on Internet Explorer (apparently). 

The portal does not work at all. So no checking balance, or those smart points which I know also think are fake. When you ask customer care they ask if you tried it on Internet Explorer. It’s 2015 for crying out loud. Even my dead grandfather does not use IE anymore. Not because he’s dead, but because IE is shit. I never could check my balance so I never knew what I am working with while shopping. That and their state-of-the-art double billing system always had me holding my breath and clenching my butt whenever I used the card at a till.

The card is banned on sites.

I could not use it on Hostgator. Others found it impossible to use it on popular sites like Paypal, Apple and Uber. You know why, because even these sites know this card is craptastic. So next time you are thinking of getting this card to do online transactions ask yourself whether it is worth the hustle of realizing too late that the site does not accept it.

Ridiculous charges.

Why do I have to get charged KES 35 to withdraw at a Nakumatt counter? I get the bank charges, but Nakumatt is not a bank. Stop it you wannabes. If I can buy a product at the counter with the card without extra charges then you can give me my money for free. Speaking of bank charges, they say it costs KES 250 to withdraw from outside the country. I will have you know that the actual charges are KES 275. They will not let you know they upgraded their greed. I had to suffer a majority of these charges because I preferred losing the 275 then rest easy knowing that I have money than risk the counter swiping.

In Summary?
Only use it as a loyalty card. Don’t risk using it to pay for services outside Nakumatt. Let me know other ways this card has fucked you over.

And these are just a few random ones. Find the rest here

One Response to “Why I Hate Nakumatt and KCB”

  1. Netflix in Kenya, Reply

    […] But whatever you do, don’t fall for this. Do not use your Nakumatt card to pay for anything especially online, you will be disappointed. (Read Why Here) […]

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