We found oil in Kenya! That is the best news ever! Now we can use it for energy, which will make Kenya have a bright future. Right? Wrong. Kenya will have a bright future alright. But not the kind we want.

Now insecurity in the areas surrounding these mineral-filled locations is going to increase. We have already heard of these ‘cattle rustlers’ that have sniper rifles that can pick off ill-equipped police officers from 2 km away.  Sniper rifles. Because machetes and spears are too mainstream. And require you to be disturbingly close.

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So we are meant to believe that cattle rustlers found this lying around ?

These incidences saw around 50 cops dead. And the question everyone is raising is “Why were cops  not given enough training, strategy and equipment to handle themselves better?’ The question should be, ‘Where the hell are cattle rustlers getting sniper rifles from?’ Our police don’t have that kind of ammo. Hell, they didn’t even have full uniform when they went in that valley to hunt for these cattle thieves. So where then? In movies I see guns of such caliber with the military. So probably our Kenyan military has them. How did the rustlers get them then? Let’s call me naive and stupid and say that they stole them! They infiltrated the military by means of well coordinated system of attacks and stole them. So what next?

Well. We could send more ill equipped police to be slaughtered some more. Or we could ask the military to go help. But the rustlers already beat the military in security? What is there to say that they won’t beat them in war? Numbers. The army has numbers. That might be good. But the rustlers might also steal the numbers, cos you know, they were so successful with the ammo, how much can it really cost to bribe some rogue agents? So now the rustlers will outnumber the army and we will start fearing for the country’s security even more than we already do. When are the general elections, by the way? Never mind, that is not important nor related to this shit.

So, were was I? Oh yeah. We are getting fucked by cattle rustlers.  The situation builds up and spreads all over. Well, not all over. It will seem like it is spreading all over (from reports of our reliable media) but really it will only be appearing in places that have high potential for oil/gas/gems/rare-earths/precious metals. But please, don’t call this a pattern. Yes, there is unrest in Northern Kenya and the Coast but this is nothing but mere coincidence. I hope the media doesn’t get it all twisted. It should say it as it is. That the violence is only due to the number of sheep the neighbor has.

The future

But this violence needs to be capped before it spreads fully before we  find ourselves being ruled by hustlers rustlers. We cannot let than happen. Have people in power who are only interested in stealing from working citizens to fill their greedy pockets? Not in our country we wont? These people have to go. Even if it is by seeking help from developed countries. Hey, by the way. That is a great idea. Why not seek help from First World Country? Weirdly enough, they have the same sniper rifles as our rustlers so they have a chance of winning. And they are First World Country, there is no telling what useful military strategy they will pull up their sleeves. But these services sound expensive and it’s only fair that we pay them. It’s only fair.

But the good thing is they are a developed country, they are not as broke as we are so they can afford to help us out on credit. Thank God! Please come and bring us democrazy on credit.

Before we know it we find out that the leader of the rustlers is that political leader that seems to spread peace. That tried to plead Kenyans to work on knowing the truth for themselves instead of just believing what they are told. That had a clean record.  What a fraudster. To hell with him. Three  bullets to the head will be his ticket. To hell that is.

Yay! Now we are no longer run by greedy thieving corrupt rustlers.

Thank you First World Country. Whatever can we repay you with? We are so broke.

Good news. First World Country helped us put thoughtful leaders to replace the rustlers so they will work out a deal. ‘You have all these minerals that you are not using so why not sell it and pay us’, says First World Country. Our thoughtful leaders will think hard at this. Because they don’t want Kenyans ripped off. They will decide that we will mine it for ourselves, sell it then give First World Country the money we get from the profits. But we have no money to pay for the equipment and workforce so what do we do? Let’s borrow from an international bank . Let’s get one of those third world packages that have ‘low’ interest rates.

Hey, you won’t believe this but that bank is owned by the same First World Country. Even more unbelievable is they agreed to lend us some money! Wow, First World Country you are just the best? Now we can mine. But wait, no Kenyan can do this mining shit so it would be cheaper to outsource rather than take years teaching our own.

Hallow. Um, First World Country, there is no way you could, um, could you…um. Wait. Really? Great! That is mighty swell of you.


Hey guys, First World Country has agreed to do the drilling and the extraction for a fee.

For free?

No, for Fee.

And since we already have the money we are okay. Also they already anticipated our call and have been lying around our country waiting to start immediately we gave the order. Some even started long before the order because they want us to make use of our resources as quickly as possible. They know more about the minerals so they should probably take it out of Kenya and do things they call value-addition by their own because it sounds hard, and processicious.

Years later, we look at the reports and Kenya is the lead producer of some resources . Yes! Finally. We can start showering in money. Wait, what is this? This is all the money we got? You mean to say that it would have been cheaper to just let the minerals rot in the earth. Fuck this shit. I am angry. Whose fault is this? Must be that tribe. Not it’s this tribe. Hell it is this religion with their oppressive bullshit. Let’s get them out of Kenya before they cause anymore damage. Like legalize homogays. Let’s use the cattle rustlers to talk them into going out of Kenya. Aaaah shit. We said talk. Now look we are fighting with each other. Kenyans are so primitive. Can’t they sit down and talk? Now look they have made Firsty come back  to protect those 3 random citizens of theirs who were left over to make sure that our drilling and mining went according to plan.

In Summary

What I am trying to say is the only reason the future of Kenya looks bright is because of  all the lights given off by the explosions that have been frequent in our country. It is the high time we stop being stupid and do something. As cliche as that sounds, it’s the truth. Violence is not always the solution but most definitely it is always the cause of the problem. Let’s try and vote for leaders that have made good progress and have clean track records. Don’t get me wrong. All politicians are evil. All they do is fuck us in the arse. But let’s choose one that will at least have the decency to apply some Vaseline before doing it.

Vasulube. For when you want to ‘love’ your country

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