I went to church today.  It was on a Wednesday dammit, I was caught with my pants off. Literally. Mom rapped on my door all like, ‘Church nigga!’ and so I woke up, put on my pants and we went. I figured since the 25th of December is when we decided to say that Jesus was born, it makes sense to go to His house for the birthday celebrations.

I was so close to not going to church this year. Damn. Better luck next time.

Something I found ridiculous immediately I walked in was that there was a Christmas tree inside the church. All decorated and stuff. With even a picture of Mary and Jesus awkwardly plastered on it. Why did this happen? Where is Joseph? (women and children first mentality?)  What role does the tree play in Christianity or the birth of Christ? I am not asking because I automatically assume there is none. I honestly want to know. Maybe there is a significance and I missed it. Or maybe it is just the spread of secular christianity that is happening here. Which is more likely because the sermon today was just the pastor asking us to come prepared with lots of money next Sunday for the end of year thanksgiving. For God. He must be throwing one wicked New Year’s party.

Speaking of significance, we had that Holy Communion and since my kid bro recently graduated from catechism class, he was eligible to partake. Or so we thought. Just before we lined up for the scrumptious meal, he started asking my sister questions.

Bro: What is that in the bottles?

Sis: That is the blood of Christ.

Bro: Both bottles?

Sis: What? Yes.

Bro: How do they keep the blood from expiring? He died so long ago….

Sis: Nigga, I thought they taught you this in catechism class? Why did you not ask there? How the hell did you even pass that class? Dexxe do you hear the questions your….

Me:  Shhhhhh. We are in church.

So basically, here never got the concept of symbolism and having not tasted wine before, this kid believed that he was drinking the real blood of Jesus. As for the body of Christ, I don’t even know how he rationalised that one. Remind me to ask him. Anyway, just after taking it he started complaining the bread was stuck in his throat. The pastor had dipped the bread only so slightly in a cup of wine before giving his congregation. Which I found very weird cos we were only 15 and he had two bottles of wine? We only used one tot. But anyway.

Bro is complaining about being choked by Jesus.

I watch him keenly, remembering stories of how non believers who took the communion would vomit blood continuously for days. I was waiting for that river blood like it was my Christmas present. Unfortunately, it did not happen. My sister told him to go drink water and all was well. Although he did comment that every time he took communion his stomach hurt. We immediately brushed this off as bullshit. But what if it was not, you ask? Well, if you knew my bro, you’d know he is full of it. That is why we insist he goes to church in the first place. To see if God can raise him right, cos Lord knows we haven’t.

Bro’s paranoia aside. Do we really think about this communion seriously? Isn’t it weird that we go to eat someones flesh and then drink their blood all to purify ourselves? Doesn’t this form of cannibalism qualify Christianity to be some sort of cult? We are told of Devil worshippers who eat each other and drink blood because the Devil told them to. But what if whatever they are doing is also symbolic and they don’t actually drink real blood? What if Christians are the devil worshipers Christians talk about. I mean, think about it. We wear dead people round our necks. What is this morbid fascination of Christians and death? Could not there have a better image reminding us that Jesus came to save us from our sins apart from that one of him bleeding on a cross? Or eating his flesh and drinking his blood?

I am not saying these things to anger my fellow Christians. All I am saying is sometimes I think and that is my sin.

Join me next week as I take a look at the ten commandments as we ask ourselves why DO NOT RAPE did not make it to the list but somehow DO NOT COVET YOUR NEIGHBOURS PROPERTY did.

PS: Here is an interesting true fact that i totally did not make up. Do you know why we say Merry Christmas? Well, allow me. This is because Jesus’s (Jesus’? Jesuses’?) mother took Him to church once for mass. Mary Christ Mass everybody

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