You better sit down for this one. I promise you. It’s a doozy. I am about to ruin your childhood. Remember that cartoon show about a dog that did crazy stuff?
No not, those Two Stupid Dogs.
Not Wacky Races‘ Muttley.
Not Courage The Cowardly Dog.
I am talking about Scooby Doo? Remember him and his gang? Fun cartoon, no? I used to watch it religiously . Until I went to secondary school. That is when I stopped all together. Not because of disinterest. More because that poor-excuse-of -a-boarding school didn’t have cable. Can you believe that? No cable in high school! Needless to say, this was one of the reasons for the strike we had a few months later.
Anyway, last night I was in this hotel relaxing my balls when I switched on Boomerang and watched something called What’s New Scooby Doo? It is an evolved version of the old show. They wrecked it. Daphne even has crooked eyes. What the hell?
Those few minutes I spent watching, however, made me realize that I had gotten everything about the show wrong. And since I don’t want you to be left in the dark, let me take this chance to tell you what Scooby Doo is really about.
Basically it is a show about four hippies and a dog that go around the country smoking weed, trespassing and meddling with people’s properties in a luminous green VW van. You see, they suffer from substance dependence that makes them get the hallucinations and illusions that they are solving crimes about ghosts. Is it coming back to you? Are you now getting what the show was about? It was principally a campaign against drug abuse.
The leader of these junkies is Fred Herman Jones. He feels like he has to be in charge of the crew despite the fact that he is not that bright. He hopes this forced masculinity will hide the fact that he is a homosexual. The orange neckerchief sells him out immediately though. He ran from home because he came out of the closet and was met with hostility.
Daphne Ann Blake is a sweet red headed fashionista barbie. She is usually donned in fashionable, trendy purple outfits. (Fun Fact: Purple is a colour for royalty. Maybe this is why Fred is always attracted to her. Because he is a queen.) She is aware of and glows in the attention she garners from every man. Fred however doesn’t give her this attention. This makes her want him more. She is constantly flirting with Fred, who in turn pretends to flirt back because, closet. He even tries to make sure when he splits up the gang, he is always with her so as not to rouse suspicion. Her parents are royalty rich and when she got legal and got her inheritance she escaped home in an act of defiance. She is the one that finances the gangs crazy adventures and drug habits.
Velma Dace Dinkley is actually the only smart one in this group. And sexy if you ask me. She is what I look for in a woman, shorter than me (so that I can look down on her), smarter than me (dumb + dumb goes nowhere), partially blind (so that they don’t see how ugly I am), chubby (bubble gal a bubble) and always in a short pleated skirts, orange knee high socks and Mary Jane (puff) shoes. Yeah that baggy orange sweater is also a turn on. There’s something about orange that makes me all warm inside. Must be why people worshipped the Sun. It felt right. And if you look closely with perverted eyes you will also notice that she has a larger ass and bigger tits. She hides this in an attempt to try and win over Fred with her intellect. She is truly in love with him. Unlike Daphne who only wants him because she thinks she should. Those rumours that she is lesbian are simply not true.
Shaggy Rogers is the real hard-drugs junkie in the team. Upgraded from weed to substances like mandrax and bathsalts faster than the rest of the members. This was due to a very uncomfortable experience he once had with Fred. He doesn’t want to ever talk about it and hopes these drugs will make him forget. You can easily tell the side effects of the things he takes. He thinks Scooby can talk, he is always hungry, he stammers, he is shaggy, the way he walks, Zoinks!
Scooby Doobie Dooooooooooo is a rabid dog! I kid you not. He is. He was rescued from the streets as a pup by Velma (yes, Scooby is Velma’s dog, not Shaggy’s). She had no idea that this not-so-great dane was sick when she brought it to the crew. It bit and infected Shaggy with rabies. Clearly evidenced by their fear of water. Velma has been treating them ever since by lacing biscuits with antibiotics and calling them Scooby Snacks. He was introduced to weed by Shaggy and they have been friends ever since. Shaggy confides in him about everything, mostly during his drug trips, and often thinks Scooby responds back to him. Let’s make a few things clear. Scooby doesn’t talk. He is a dog. The Rooby Dooby Doo sounds are hallucinatory sounds the crew came to accept as speech. They are actually ventriloquid by Shaggy. Ever heard Scooby ‘talk’ when Shaggy is not next to him?
There you have it folks. Sorry to ruin your childhood but if you look deep down, you already noticed some of things. It is just a show that introduces kids to real life! Drugs are bad. Homosexuality is something to hide. Just because you have money and are pretty doesn’t mean you can get everything you want. Boys won’t like you for your intellect. If you didn’t get any of these themes throughout the many episodes , you were then not truly a fan of Scooby Doo, Where Are You?
Tune in next month as Dexxe spoils your childhood further when he explains how Cinderella was a prostitute (the glass heels, c’mon!) that was being pimped out by her stepmother.