I have not been sleeping well of late. Right now I have various pains. I have this massive pain on the left side of the back of my neck, I think I am missing a rib and I am terrified of sleeping. You are probably wondering why? Probably not, because you don’t care, but I am going to tell you anyway.

The bed I am currently is using is bad. Either that or I don’t know how it works. Everything is different in Europe so I am confused as hell. Do you know those turofao things that are spread under the bed? Those wooden things that hold the mattress, I am sure you do. They are called foundations, just found out. Your bed might have a spring foundation with springs all over or a wooden foundation with several wooden strips lined up parallel to the headrest. I flunked woodwork so forgive me if I end up making up names that are not there.

Anyway, these are the two kind of foundations I am used to. If they ever got fancy, it was because a formaica* (or is it plywood) was put on it. But over here, oh my God! They are as fancy as a fairy. Instead of a long piece of wood on either sides of these strips of wood, it has pieces of string. String! The logic is that you can easily roll the foundation when moving but the sleeping experience is horrible.

For it to work well, the connecting strings should be taut, so that the planks are as parallel to the headrest as a politician is to logic. But God forbid you turn over in your sleep and slacken the strings, the planks tilt and fall through and you follow suit quick.

Bed ya Dexxe
This how my bed ends up at 3am. The planks are help up by some kind of grey rope instead of firm wood.

Have you ever had a dream that you are falling and wake up to find yourself on the floor? It is confusing as hell, you start crying. You start wondering whether you are in part of another dream. If so why do your ribs hurt? And is that blood. Confusing.

I fell through a couple of times. You’d think once was enough but noooooo. I had to keep risking my life on this death trap. I just thought that this bed was intentionally made like this, so there is something I am not doing right. I tried to see if there were screws to be put but could not find the respective holes on the woods. So I’d go to sleep and wake up at 3 am on the floor. Then decide to hammer the foundation to the bed but realize this is destructive so I quick fix it and go back to sleep. Then fall again the following day and decide to flip the foundation. Because, it was basin shaped, the center was deeper than the edges. I thought that when I flip it into a hump and lie on it it’ll be flat and harder to fall through. Fake science. I woke up at 3 am again.

I fell through so routinely that I would wake up in the middle of the sleep just in time to prevent myself from hitting the floor. I became scared when I would turn over and hear the bed creak. I became paranoid that even the door creak in class made my adrenaline rush in preparation of a free fall.

And not to mention the muscle pains. The flipping, despite helping with the falling, made the bed uncomfortable. The pillows were not helping either. I would wake up tired of sleeping. Pains all over. One night, I decided enough was almost enough and dumped the mattress on the floor. Best sleep of the year. The floor is so comfortable. Even more comfortable than when I used to sleep on the floor because I could not afford a bed.

But I did not want to be those Kenyans that run marathons without shoes because they find them uncomfortable. I want to fit in. If IKEA designed this bed to be slept on by a real person, I damn right was going to sleep on it.

I gave up on this fitting in idea when I fell through again and decided enough was enough. At 3 am, in total darkness, I started walking aimlessly in the house wondering how to get the strings permanently taut. I found a hammer but couldn’t get nails and spent a great deal of time thinking up substitutes of nails. At 4 I dropped the hammer and started brainstorming all over. I was not going back to that torture contraption without a defence.

I asked myself how my line of study could be of use. I study science, I am supposed to be a solution finder. But how could environmental science be of use here? Then it hit me. The damn foot of the bed hit my little toe so bad, I decided to just switch on the lights and take a seat.

Environmental science. What are we good at? Recycling? Pollution? Alternative Energy? Recycling?

I wished I would turn a plastic bag into a bed. Or. I could use the plastic bags to make nails. Suddenly, I realized I could.

Excitedly, I got the closest plastic bag I could get and ripped into into four shreds and rolled them into some kind of rope. Then tied each of the foot of the bed and to the last plank of the foundation on the top and bottom of the bed. I slept well for a couple of nights with near falls, but I realised is the bed frame was the issue. It would now expand at the center and make the planks go through. This caused one of my nifty ropes to bust open but I was not saddened by this. I had found a solution. I just needed better ropes.

Not interested in buying any ropes and now being a big fan of recycling, I grabbed whatever and tied up the bed. The whatever ended up being a USB cable for the rope replacement and a LAN cable for the center of the bed. All in all, I am now not falling through. After a month of torture, at least I have solved  a major problem. I even ended up having a geek bed, held up my network cables and shit. I’ve always wanted a Batman bed but I think this is just as cool.

The problem now is how to be comfortable with the pillows. My neck is killing me. I have tried using no pillows. Doesn’t work. I am rethinking the floor. But discovering I can solve problems excites me so I will keep suffering like a fool until I think of something better. And by better, I mean cheap. And by cheap I mean free. I am not about to buy another bed part.

Suggestions are welcome though.

I forgot to tell you that I had even tried using Cellotape before. Who has time to scroll up and add this, when I can just mention here. It didn't work. It stretched too much
I forgot to tell you that I had even tried using Cellotape before. Who has time to scroll up and add this, when I can just mention here. It didn’t work. It stretched too much
Here is my most prized internet tool. My LAN cable. I love it so much I had to mark it because other students kept taking it. They like it cos both of its clips are intact. But where is now? Holding a bed together. This life.
Here is my most prized internet tool. My LAN cable. I love it so much I had to mark it because other students kept taking it. They like it cos both of its clips are intact. But where is now? Holding a bed together. This life.
Plastic bags when rolled up can substitute ropes. There is a recycling tip you might not have had. Prize for whoever can tell me what this bag is from.
Plastic bags when rolled up can substitute ropes. There is a recycling tip you might not have had. Prize for whoever can tell me what this bag is from.
I had to use a USB cable as a replacement as the plastic that gave in.
I had to use a USB cable as a replacement as the plastic that gave in.

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