Man of Steel Dexxe
Man of Shit/Steel Poster

My body, like most of other people’s I would guess, becomes completely synchronised to a recurring daily schedule. I wake up daily at 6am and somehow the cells that make me up cannot figure out that I do not need my biological alarm to go off on weekends or holidays. Do you know how awkward it is to wake up at 5.30am on a Sunday? Good thing though is that 20th Century’s IMAX figured there are guys like us and have discounted offers for early risers. 200 bob for a movie if you find yourself in town at 6.30am and have some hours to kill. That’s like 3 USD. Needless to say, I take advantage of this. So much so that I do not even care what movie they are showing. I will just go because it is cheap. They even had an offer where, if you buy the ticket with Airtel Money, you get a discount of 100 bob. So basically you are in a theatre watching a box office movie for 100 bob. They got rid of this though. Because people came in thousands. Iguess.

This week I decided to check out Pacific Rim because I was told it had 3D effects so good that even I would see them. I am not a fan of 3D movies because I do not see that effect. Never have. Something about ‘not everyone sees it anyway’.

I got to the theatre I found out that is was Man of Steel that was on offer so I decided to watch it instead. Having not bothered with trailers and other spoilers I grabbed those 3D glasses with a lot of hope. I mean, it’s a Superman movie. It cannot be worse than Smallville or Superman Returns. Shock on me. It kind of was.

Don’t get me wrong, it was not the worst thing I have ever laid my eyes on but I chose a seat with so much expectations that you would have thought I was going to watch the second coming of Christ.

I am not a comic-book junkie, I used to read them once in  a while when I was younger but I am familiar with the basic Superman story. Moves at the speed of sound. Can see through you. Can stare you to flames. Can shout really loud. Can blow you to ice. Is stronger than Wolverine’s adamantium. He really does everything and this is probably why I hate him. He is too super.  He has to keep fighting aliens from his home or a Lex Luthor who has Kryptonite just to make the fight even. #TeamBatman

I guess that is why everyone keeps making the Superman origins story. They want us to see him before he reached his prime because otherwise it is boring when he is invincible.  I get it.

Man of Steel is another origins story. A condensed version of Smallville. God I hated that soap opera tv show.

Why did I hate the movie so much?

1. Lois Lane. What the hell. She kept appearing everywhere just because the script required her to. One minute she is in the Daily Planet rubble the next she is standing exactly where Clark has landed like some miles away. I had to convince myself that maybe Superman just landed a few meters away and the camera picked only Lane and ignored her work mates.

2. How the hell does he shave? He has  a beard when his body is lit on fire at the rig and his hair does not burn. Meaning it is super strong. Right? So how does he shave? I mean Gillette Mach 4 is good but not that good. To overcome this really minor plot hole I had to tell myself that maybe he reflects his heat ray vision on a mirror onto his chin and then gives himself a clean shave. Either that or he can switch off his powers temporarily and use a normal razor and then when he’s done its ‘All system switched to normal parameters‘.  Or he has a customized Kryptonite razor. This really isn’t that much of a deal but directors these days seem to just keep having silly plot lines just for the sake. They probably think, ‘These guys believe that there is an alien from a broken planet who is invincible, I guess they will easily believe when we include some gaping plot holes.’

3. Speaking of heat ray visions. Could General Zod not avert his eyes a bit to the right to vaporise that stupid family? He just had to look straight forward so that Superman conveniently holds him in a chokehold to make everything dramatic? Supes could not cover Zod-El’s eyes with his hands because you know, he is not immune to these rays. They are what he uses to cut his hair of steel, who knows what it can do to the soft tissues of his palm.

4. Speaking of Zodinski. Clark spends years trying to master how to make his x ray vision go through a chick’s clothes but not so much that he sees her skeleton but this warrior is able to master these skills in mere seconds. Good thing he was engineered to become a warrior who can adapt in a multitude of situations, ey?

5. Speaking of engineering. They way they put it is that everyone had their path chosen for them even before they were born. There are those made to be warriors, leaders scientists, etc. Karl -El was a scientist. But did you see how easily he took out those 5 warriors that had him arrested. When your son is in danger, you can beat anyone or everyone at once. These are some of the lessons I learnt from watching this movie.

6. The dialogue in this movie. Goddamn. I dropped a spoon and its clatter was more engaging that whatever noise that was branded as conversation in this movie. Here is a copy of the script for those of you that haven’t watched it yet. No need to warn you of spoilers because you know everything that will happen.

EXT. Somewhere. Anywhere.

Amy Adams’ Character: Kiss Me.

Henry Cavill’s Character: Why?

Amy Adams’ Character:  This is a Hollywood movie we have to.

Henry Cavill’s Character: Okay.

Insert melodramatic Hans Zimmer music here.

***

INT. Aboard the UFO

Michael Shannon’s Character: Release the Kraken. I mean the world engine. 

***

INT.  MILITARY BASE

Harry Lennix’s character  is driving along to a secret spot with a female recruit that he plans to have sex with because he has made her a captain. Suddenly, Henry Cavill’s character drops a surveillance drone on their path. Commander waits till last minute to brake. For dramatic tension. Teren teren.

Henry Cavill’s Character: Lois Lane found my secret identity in 3 minutes and you need a 20 million equipment to find my home. Come on man, don’t be that guy.

Harry Lennix’s Character: We already know your secret identity dumb ass. Lois used that blogger to expose you. We just Googled you. You are in Wikipedia and shit.  We were spying on something else top secret that will be the basis of the sequel of this movie.

Ashamed Henry Cavill’s Character: Ummm. Awkward.

Flys away quickly. *Camera Shake Effect. Focus on a cloud so that Superman looks hazy*

 Harry Lennix’s Character to female captain he just promoted because of sexual favours: Why are you smiling?

Female: He is so hot. *giggles*. I would definitely let him do me anally.

****

Zack Snyder: And… scene! It’s a wrap guys. CGI the rest I am going to wait for my Oscar.

7. Clarks saves a boy that has been bullying him for years but neglects his father when caught between a storm and a car door. What the hell? Just because his dad raised his hand? I expected this Superman to be dark but not that dark. His father was just there. He didn’t even need that much of superpowers in saving. People would have gotten over it. It’s not like a 10 year old pushing a full school bus out of a river.

8. Clark is a dick to sheep. When he learnt he could fly he came by a place that seemed to have an African setting and just flew low enough to scare the animals.

No animals were harmed during the making of this film. At least not physically.Emotionally these animals were damaged forever.

9. I was watching this movie and I kept thinking of Avengers. Did anyone of you have the same feeling? Maybe it was the Hulk-like leaps of Superman. Or his bare upper body and shredded pants? Or how Zods armour clinked in like Ironman’s. Or because of the general destruction that seemed copy pasted from Avengers. I dunno. It felt very Transformery too.

10.  Superman can breathe in our atmosphere and in space (vacuum) but when exposed to his planet’s atmosphere he starts coughing up blood? I mean even Kryptonite rocks don’t make him that weak. Also, if anything Kryptonian makes him weak, how come he can survive in his suit? I can hear you screaming because Martha Kent made it but this movie suggested otherwise. (Oh by the way, did Martha make the suit with earth material ama something foreign. This I don’t know about Superman. I am going to guess she used Earth shit.)

11. I hate actions shot on shaky-camera mode but this was super shaky with superfast pans and zooms. Hell, you can even tell how bad it is by looking at the theatrical posters. Everything is blurry. The city below is blurry, his body blurry, his left hand is even cut off because he was flying so fast the camera couldn’t catch him fully in time. Right? Or maybe because he was the one taking his own picture. A super selfie. I hate this camera effect. If I wanted to watch unclear things I would watch Top Gear ‘s wildlife shots. Or take off my glasses.

Superman's hazy theatrical poster
Watch me do me. Watch me do me.

12. The special effects are a bit too much. I mean, they even CGI’d Superman’s cape. Come on! Was Michael Bay initially meant to direct this? But I watched this in 3D and my eyes are not compatible with 3D so maybe it was my incompatible eyes that made the special effects not all that interesting to me.

13. The codex. Hahaha. What!?

14. The Lois and Clark kiss. That was very unnecessary since the characters were not built well enough to allow it. It felt forced. Inserted there just to please the girls and other oestrogen-filled individuals.

15. Why couldn’t the Kryptonians have used the same technology they used on the prisoners to save themselves? If they had banished themselves like they did the prisoners, they would have survived the destruction of their planet. There was really even no need to steal a raccoon’s skull to take Clark to Earth. But you wanna know why they didn’t think of that? Because they were being ruled by old politicians. The government will be the end of us? Not diseases, megametorites or Satan. It’s that bloody MP that you voted for.

16. The product placement in this movie my friend. Lois Lane uses a Nikon D3 with a 24-70  mm lens that she bought after she saved money from buying a washing machine from Sears which threw in a Nokia Lumia 925  just because she won a Pulitzer.

17. ‘Is there an alien invasion movie that doesn’t have a scene where a satellite gets destroyed? Then why should we not destroy one? This is Hollywood. We can’t sell unless we are cliche.’ – David S. Goyer.

18. A comic movie that had no funny moments. Whoa!

I could go on but I need to get out of here before they lock this place up.

So I am guessing by now you sense that I hated the movie. But aren’t there things that I loved about it? Well, there are a few but not enough to totally make me like this movie.

1. Henry Cavill’s body. Goddamn. His arm is the size of my torso. How many protein shakes did this guy take?

2. The movie has dark theme. You may have noticed the trend that most comic movies are dark. Case in point the Dark Knight trilogy. I personally think that is a good thing. It’s like the comic book world is trying to keep up with me. When I was a kid, the Superman was all good. But now that I have grown and I know the world is harsh, I expect him to kill a few million people before he can save Lois. That is as legit as it gets. You cannot save everybody. Unless the script requires you to. I liked that he killed Zod directly (not as collateral damage like all the other guys in the buildings and cars). He is new to all this superpower thing, he is bound to misuse it a little.

3. The suit. And not just the design. Yes it was fresh because there was no  bright red belt and yellow underwear but the fact that they made the suit seem to be from outer space totally justifies it not being torn when he gets dragged across the tarmac.

4. Michael Shannon’s character (General Zod)  is the only one I could say I loved more than anyone else’s but that is because I am trying to relive The Boardwalk Empire.

I guess that’s it.

This review is brought to you by Gillette Mach 4. Specially designed with four blades to give you the ultimate shave. The first blade cuts close. The second blade cuts closer. The third blade is just to make this thing expensive and the fourth blade cuts kryptonians. Gillette, a man’s strongest friend. Get it now in a Sears near you.

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