I think flu is short for fluids because I am leaking from every orifice. My mucus is lighter than my tears. My jizz is gel-like. Saliva as thick as that green mucus. I am sweating profusely. And my diarrhoea smells like toothpaste. I am a mess. I blame the ice cream I ate during my first visit to the capital city during the weekend. Or maybe it was the food. I at all the locals foods on Saturday. Mukimo, chapati, minji, pilau njeri. Then on Sunday it was downhill. All unheard of food. Sushi, some things that were wrapped by sea weed, some weird bread, some weird rice, some weird stews. It was a Chinese restaurant and a buffet. So I wanted to try everything. Everything except using chopsticks. I ate that fish rice with a fork. I know that is considered inappropriate but let me make it better. I eat ugali with a spoon. I have been called names because of this vile act.

But in my defence, I do not like food. I have the process of eating tiresome. I always say that if it were normal to walk around with a medical drip pumping you with all the nutrients you need, I would be sleeping with such a drip. The ugali The Aunt was famous for was always so gummy that you would need a whole kibuyu just to wash your right hand, and you all now that is wasting expensive hard-to-find water. So I use a spoon. Very impersonal, but less of a hustle.

Now that we are talking of new foods, I am now a fan of pizza and burgers. Well not all of them. I hate coloured food, so I steered away from the rainbow pizzas and burgers. The only pizza I eat is what I call Honolulu With Chicken. I have been eating that so much that the pizza guys call me Honolulu With Chicken. They see me and just nod and ask me to wait for 10 minutes because they know what I want. I disoriented them one day when I ordered a kebab pizza but I ended up being the one disoriented because the kebab over here does not taste anything like the Nairobi one. I decided not to try anything new again and went back to my HWC.

Boiled pineapples on pizza is my favourite
I like my food like I I like my women, light coloured with very few reds

The HWC was a pretty logical one. And I feel like I have to explain it because I soon discovered that this is the worst pizza imaginable to some people.

One of the ingredients is ripe bananas. These bananas are them heated. It is revolting to some, but not me. My favourite fruit is banana. Because it is predictable. I can see the skin and know whether it is ripe or not. No surprises. I hate surprises. Fuck apples. I like bananas because they have a bland taste. Not too sweet so if you find one that was not really ripe, it is hard to know unless it is really really not ripe. Citrus fruits on the other hand have some extremes, there are some oranges that are so sweet and nice but others that almost burn your tongue out with bitterness. Who needs such drama in life. Given fruit options, I would pick bananas first. Is there banana juice by the way?

The second ingredient is ripe pineapples. Again, these are heated. Now I am not particularly fond of pineapples because they both fall under the citrus category of extremes so I was sceptical at first, but I figured that even if they are not ripe, I bet the heat ripens them. Also, it was yellow, which is like my favourite colour of food. I don’t like red food.

The next ingredient is chicken. Because, best meat.

Now, I found out later, after I had invested all my emotions into this pizza, that that was the worst selection I could have ever liked. They say it should be served to prisoners.

But which is the best pizza out there? Please tell me and let it not have a lot of red? I hate red food. Which may seem weird but it get’s worse. I hate seeing tomatoes on my food but I don’t mind tomato sauce on my fries. If a restaurant were to serve me with fries and that salad that has tomatoes, I dump out the tomatoes to give room for the tomato sauce. I never found this weird until my dad pointed out how dumb it was.

This is the kebab pizza. First of all, what the hell is that green thing? get it out now.
This is the kebab pizza. First of all, what the hell is that green thing? get it out now.

Burgers are another thing. I always go with the chicken burger because it is less colourful, there are some that look like all they have is tomatoes. ew.

But I am glad I am now into strange food. Pizza, burgers, Chinese things. It is a step further into my goal of being comfortable eating everything.

I am proud of myself. I am patting myself on the back actually.


What else do I want to say.


I got nothing. Bye.

*I am not proof reading this because everytime I do that I give up and posts end up in the drafts. I will keep writing crap until I am comfortable in my own shit then maybe work on cleaning it when I want. I got a lot of stories to tell myself.

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