I do not know who gave me this movie, or even how I ended up getting it, but last night I watched Don Jon and I got to say… it was different. Some may decide to go all shallow and decide it is a movie about porn addiction but I saw more than that. I saw a director (Joseph Gordon Levitt) casting himself as the lead looking for a reason to grope Scarlett Johansson. That guy is a genius. Hahahahaha. But seriously that is not what I saw. Welcome to my interpretation of the movie Don Jon, directed by Joseph Gordon-Levitt.


Best Character

The sister Monica played by Brie Larson

Best Scene

The confessions in church

The movie looks at the life of a shallow man (played by JGL) who has all this routine that he has to adhere to because he believes that is what makes him a great man. Wake up. Watch porn. Jerk off. Clean house. Go to church. Seek absolution. Go eat with family. Go rave with friends. Chips funga. Watch porn. Jerk off. Sleep. Rinse. Repeat.

They give awards to porn too.
This was the best come back I had someone use to compare porn and soaps

Putting the porn addiction aside, I think this movie had more to offer as a reflection to modern society. It was a satire of our lives as 21 Centurians. How so?

The sister (played lovelily by Brie Larson) with the phone all the time in all situations. Church. Dinner time. Family time, etc. She literary has one line in this movie. The problem was, what she said made sense and you could feel that she is a smart girl but maybe felt the world was dumb and had to hide behind the phone and immerse herself online to bitch about how dumb people are. She is very passive. Very aware of what is happening around her but never bothers to participate in life. Know anyone like that?

Don Jon reviewed by Dexxe
Are you that absent guy that is in both the offline and online world at the same time but still get no satisfaction for neither?*

Then there is the father (Tony Danza). Sexist as hell. Vulgar as hell. Superficial as like hell. It’s really shocking his son turned out like he was. It’s not like we take up after our fathers or anything. The mom was there too and you could see she tried but was still married to an asshole.

Then there was the girlfriend (What was up with that accent by the way?) . Barbara (Scarlett Johansson), the girlfriend, is like the ladies we have seen before. Very modern. Travels in threes. Won’t sleep with you on the first date but will rub your dick with their butts until you come ( I hear they call it twerking). They have it in their heads how a perfect relationship should be like and they are determined to make theirs that. A perfect relationship. A relationship like those in soaps and love movies.

If you really think about it, these soaps have a more unrealistic expectations of couples than porn. They are even more addictive because you don’t have to hide while watching them.

Porn is to men what soaps are to women.

Anyone agree with me? That hardcore porn and these all-pretty-cast soap operas are the same. They make you fantasize about how your relationship should be like without putting any consideration the opinions of your partner.

Scarlett was not a comic revelation. Again, this was not all that funny. But it was good.

Back to the girlfriend. Anything he does has to happen with a reflection of her in his mind.

Would she dump me if she realized I like washing my own clothes?

Stuff like that. She loves changing people to fit her idealized standards but rarely the other way around.  She will make you stop washing your crib just because she does not wash hers under the belief that it makes you look weak.

‘Get a cleaning lady, like I do. Men are not supposed to do that shit.’

The kind of women that will make you leave your friends because all of a sudden they are not good for you. She will make you start classes to get a better job and even change the way you dress to make you more presentable. You can look at it like she is bringing the best out of you but really you are just her project. When, and after, you do everything she asks she will have the project come to a conclusion and will leave you. Come up with a very flimsy excuse. ‘You are not the same person I first met’. Of course he is not you witch. Because you forced him to change. ‘You lied to me that you stopped watching porn‘. All men do watch porn. All the time. And masturbate 27 times a week. Okay that was a dumb excuse to give and I dunno why he got all him in his argument like that. Not all men do that shit. Only like 95 % of them. the other 5% are just good liars.

Some movies are stupid to me yet others adore them and vice versa. So I guess to each his own? Fuck that, Twilight is a bad movie.

If you did not laugh at the Catholic church after this movie, then you my friend, are uptight. When they advertised this movie as a comedy I think they meant the church part. Because quite frankly, that is when I only laughed. Is that how the confession booths work really? You go unleash the sins and according to what the father thinks is the right number (of course guided by divine intervention), tells you to recite Hail Marys (Maries?)? That was hilarious. I kind of liked how he worked out while absolving himself. Each Hail Mary is 10 push up etc. You can tell from how buff he was that this was such a sinful guy.

Most people will not admit that they are addicted to porn or masturbation. Yet the addiction cuts into their lives and breaks them just like the cocaine and heroin addiction. Porn addiction is not sex addiction.

And then there was the sinful guy. The Don Jon. Ladies’ Man. He can (and does) sleep with every woman he finds but still does not get that sexual gratification like he does when masturbating to PornHub (they sponsored this movie by the way). He has such unrealistic expectations from the porn that I would have laughed if I didn’t know for a fact that that is what men think is real. And this is now the major theme of the movie.
If I were to talk honestly, I get his addiction. It’s so easy being convinced that porn is real just because you see the penetration. It’s not. Julianne Moore’s character told him that porn was fake and Don seemed shocked. ‘That woman doesn’t know what she was talking about. How can it not be real? Is that not cum coming out of the cock? Is that not a dick that she is choking on? This cannot not be real. This is as true as it gets.’

Don Jon reviewed by Dexxe
This is a Mac? A black Apple Computer? since when?

That is the mentality that most guys have when watching porn. They think it’s real. But truth of the matter is, most ladies don’t enjoy blow jobs, most don’t like swallowing ejaculate, most are not into that bukakke shit. It might get into her hair and mess their weaves. The name calling…. ‘Who is your Daddy?‘  ‘Yeaaah, suck on that dick you slut‘ … is something I suspect most ladies not to be into too. Don’t even get me started on anal.  Men think that all women that don’t pull pornstar pranks are not good in bed but truth is, we are just messed up in the head. Sex is awesome if you do it right. With the right partner and the right way. That is the message I got from this movie. That even missionary is awesome if done right.

That said, let it be known that there are freaky women out there and it’s also alright. Those that want to get fucked in the armpits while being choked and drowned at the same time. Those exist too. Maybe not in that kind of extreme but there are women who may be interested in something kinky and we often see that as being a slut or having daddy issues and that is not usually the case. It may be just a thing that she likes and just that. All in all, I think people should communicate before having sex because people usually have their own absurd expectations and this usually leads to a lot of misunderstandings. Or you could just say no to sex. CHILL. Like me. And wait for the Lord to give you the signs, road map and basically a well illustrated and detailed report of who you should marry.
There was a message from Julian Moore’s character but that I did not get. Her family died so she decides to go with a younger man? Why? Anyone relate to her character? I didn’t and I am okay with that.

Anyway, there it is, my views on Don Jon. Not really a review of the movie more like a review of this life we live. Do you feel like there are certain unrealistic expectations expected from you in any relationships that you are in? Whether with your partner, family, church and workers?

PS: To be super clear, when I say men, I mean most men, when I say ladies, I mean most ladies. So don’t kill me with those NOTALLHUMANS hashtags.

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